standing in the shower
bent over and looking at my feet
as i have never noticed them before
stubbier sturdier
and toenails scratching the tub floor
while I heave in and out
in and out in and out just breathe
he’s okay he’s okay he’s okay
and my mind starts to wander
to places darker than the spaces
between my toes in my shadow
and I picture Scott telling me—
no stop it stop it stop it
I stare at my feet again seeing them
As i imagine you must see them
Tiny and strong and i know you
Can hear me when i whisper out loud
I love you I love you I love you
And I try to put a leash on my thoughts
And I picture you in flashes
Yelling
A sand colored helmet
Sand stirring
Yelling
Incoherent
And I put a leash on my thoughts
And I picture you in flashes
Hazy around the edges a vignette
And I imagine how it will feel to just
Be able to reach out and touch you
Your skin your blonde stubble
Your solid shape
he’s okay he’s okay he’s okay
and if I just keep writing and spilling
all of this out then my head might stop
wincing and my lungs might stop
wheezing and the red flowers you
gave me are dead and crispy but
they are still in the red vase
sitting on my desk next to
my bed even though they drop
little black bits all over last
month’s homework I didn’t do
I can’t bring myself to stuff
Them into a plastic bag and throw
Them out and I’m glad
That I was able to tell you that
You inspire me
Because the last time we talked
You said
i hope i’ll be back tomorrow
and then told me that you love me
twice
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